Hello, Is Anyone Out There?

aloneA lot of different changes are happening lately. I am constantly fighting to stay smoke free, I slip up here and there but I’m doing a hell of a lot better. I’m fairly certain I’m pregnant, and of course I’m ecstatic however, I don’t want to get too excited just yet, just in case something happens…again. So, if you read this blog and you’re thinking I’m not telling you for any certain reason, save it. I’m not going around broadcasting it because once you get to your 9th miscarriage your own sister stops believing you’re ever pregnant in the first place. Not to mention my period isn’t due until Wednesday and I haven’t taken a test yet, so don’t get your panties in a bunch. However, from here on out the fetus will rightfully be referred to as “Bleep.”

I am feeling overwhelmingly alone lately, David works 12 hour shifts, all my friends either have families, jobs, and are to busy or would rather hang out with someone they constantly bitch about than hang out with me. How do you think that makes me feel? “Oh so and so called me this name, and does this or that, he hit me, he hit my kid, blah, blah, blah.. oh sorry can’t hang out, I’m hanging out with __________.” So let me get this straight, you would rather hang out with the person who treats you like crap, or hit you, or hit your kid than me? I guess I’m great if you feel like venting about everyone else in YOUR life, or getting YOUR hair done, or asking me to watch YOUR kid but when it comes to hanging out because, oh Idk, you actually want to hang out with me or give even the slightest shit about what’s going on in MY life.. nope it’s a vacant waste land in Moe world. Sure the occasional friend will want to chill and try to cheer me up or hell I don’t know just freaking hang out and let ME vent for once instead of interrupting me every 2 seconds to tell me some irrelevant story about their life. for example:

Me: “man, my boobs really hurt, I’m pretty sure I’m pregnant”
Friend: “Yeah, I know what you mean, I had pancakes for breakfast.”

-_- facepalm. You really wonder why I don’t talk to any of you any more?

Oh my favorite is when someone get’s super pissy with me for something stupid and starts avoiding me or trying not to talk to me very long.. That’s cool whatever, if I do something that irritates you or makes you mad why don’t you just tell me? ya know, Instead of just getting all bitchy and giving me the silent treatment?. I’m just sick of people being fucking rude or just so freaking full of themselves.. You know what’s great? There are a couple people I know of right off the bat that are going to call me as soon as they read this and claim that this entire blog post is about them. GUESS WHAT?!! It probably isn’t about you and it’s def not completely about you because I do have more than one “friend” who thinks this is acceptable treatment for a friend, but hey, like they say, if the shoe fits…

and even though I’m feeling like some disease ridden outcast here lately, I’m just going to continue to sit at home for a while and hang out with Shelbsters and little Bleep. We’ll have some mommy/doggie/fetus bonding I guess. I already talk to Bleep.. so if no one is in there it’s official, I’m bat shit crazy and even more alone than I had originally thought… Like I said I’m done.. I’m just so freaking DONE with being shit on. If you want to be like that, so be it, but I will NOT kiss your ass and while your talking crap behind my back feel free to bend over and kiss mine. I may be a little depressed right now, but that doesn’t mean I’m weak. SO, Fuck you.

moving on…

I guess I’m just anxious-and not the good kind-about being pregnant again. It’s something I have been wanting and praying for for so long that if I lose it again, or it just isn’t there and it’s all been a bunch of really drawn out PMS symptoms, I am going to just lose my shit. I don’t know.. I shouldn’t stress out because that’s bad for little Bleep too! But if I let myself be so excited and it happens, it’s going to be devastating for myself. Damned if I do, Damned if I don’t. I just have to keep being positive, I strongly believe your thoughts pave your future.. if I keep thinking Healthy pregnancy, it should be a healthy pregnancy. Goddess, I’m ready, please let this be my path, let me hold my baby in my arms and watch them grow.  It’s been a rough day I tell ya! crying over oreo commercials, accidentally waking up a friend and pissing her off, did some hair cuts, another friend brought me reeses cups to cheer me up and I cried again, david wanted me to hear a song he likes, I cried again, I made a pot roast and threw up all over my only clean pair of sweats, which of course invoked another crying spell, I can’t fit in my jeans because I’m bloated all to hell and even if I could I probably wouldn’t feel comfortable enough to actually wear them, yup you guessed it more crying, I forgot to put a nicotine patch on again, and didn’t realize until about an hour ago so I could have saved myself a lot of bitchyness had I worn it. (btdubs it’s a lower dose now, so, no I’m not worried about it hurting Bleep, I’m almost done with them and it’s better than smoking my normal pack a day or stressing Bleep out with nicotine withdrawal.) I’m not usually a crier.. not even with PMS, generally my boobs are slightly sensitive with PMS, but right now it hurts to wear a bra, it hurts to not wear a bra, it hurts if I barely bump them, to sleep on my belly or my side, they just freaking hurt and I have THO that will not go away so if I don’t wear a bra I have to wear a sweatshirt in FREAKING JUNE!!!!! did I mention the “hot flashes” my face is red, and I get so hot I don’t even want david within a foot of me because I’m afraid he’s going to want to have sex, and here’s the craziest thing of all, no cramps.. if aunt flo is due Wednesday I should be doubled over by now. The ONLY PMS symptom I get bad enough to think twice about is cramps and I will have them the week before and during auntie flo’s visit. Nope, nada one, maybe some weird fluttering like the start of a cramp and some pinching but no cramps. which is amazing, yes, but leads me to believe there is a different reason behind it. Enter, Bleep, the fetus. I am calling Bleep Bleep as to avoid a certain gender or label bleep an it. (I’m pretty sure that if there is a bleep, bleep’s a girl.. I just have a feeling) there are a couple other signs that are just disgusting so I’ll spare you those details. anyways, bottom line is, if there is no visit Wednesday, I’m heading out to buy a test and we shall see just how far along this bleep could be 🙂

night folks.. kind of, I’m about to start my dream journal on here, if there is a bleep be prepared for some doozies!


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