Negative, Ghost Rider….

Well after a couple weeks of talking to bleep and hoping and praying that I do, in fact, have a bun in the oven, I decided to take a test tonight.

It was negative.

I wonder if it’s too early or if it’s one of those things where my body is stupid and I  need to go to the doctor for a blood test…. I can’t just take the negative and leave it at that.. not now. my boobs hurt so freaking bad and have been for weeks, I have been running a very slight fever for 2 weeks, I keep puking and crying.. c’mon really? that just doesn’t make any sense that test should be positive damn it! Actually, when I took the test and saw the negative I cried for a good 15 min sitting in the bath tub and had to lift myself out enough to puke in the toilet simultaneously. HELLO!?!?! BIG FLASHING LIGHTS HERE SAYING YOU’RE PREGNANT MOE! but I just kept crying. Fuck the flashing lights.

If the symptoms stop or I start my period I’ll be devastated. Because for once, I had NO DOUBTS while peeing on that stick.. I KNEW It was going to be positive and I just needed the evidence to show daddy David. I knew it.. I half smirked while peeing.. and nope. negative ghost rider. I really don’t know what to do at this point, I guess wait a week or so and try the test again.. Bleep, you have to be there okay? I need you to be there now.

I’m not sure where to go from here… I guess I feel crushed like there is no hope now. I shouldn’t feel that way thinking like that is what makes that shit happen. but damn it all! I just want my own little bleep, is that too much to ask?

I just want to crawl in a hole and stay there until bleep is ready to make that test positive.. yes I know that’s not how babies are made, but I really can’t take this disappointment any more. I don’t think I’m strong enough. It’s all I want, all I have ever wanted. David got a raise, and he’s working 12 hour days right now.. all I want is our little family. There are women, and girls, really, that have a one night stand, get drunk and hoe around, and poof they are pregnant. I’m married for Christ’s sake, we are finally on our feet again, I’ve quit smoking for the most part, and would easily be able to quit completely if I had a positive.. I don’t drink much, I don’t party, I want to be a mom, I’m supposed to be a mom.. why can’t I?!?! Had I been a hoe, didn’t want a baby, did drugs, got drunk etc. I bet ya I’d be a mom by now, but not a very good one. 😦 I just don’t understand.


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