Free Love…

hippies[Note: I had just watched “Waderlust” this same day which could have had something to do with it.]

David and I were looking for a place to stay in Texas while he waited to start his new job. We came across an add on Craigslist for a “bed and breakfast,” the owners had a family emergency and needed someone else to stay there and take care of things. Not only was the stay free, but we would be compensated so, we decided to meet up with them. With my management experience it should be a breeze. Check a couple people in, clean, do laundry, and make them breakfast.. sounds easy enough.

Well, as we pulled into the drive of a 4 story mansion we realized that wasn’t the case but hey, they must be paying pretty well, and after all, it was only for a couple days.

We walked in the front double doors to an entire restaurant, complete with waitstaff and a double staircase. It was really beautiful and FULL OF PEOPLE. We should have known we were in over our heads.

The owners liked us right away showed us to our room and handed us their keys and bolted without saying another word as to how the place runs, shouting use your best judgement as they ran down the hall. As we walked out of the room, a group of guys heading down the stairs holding a few packs of beer caught davids eye and of course he chased after them, striking up a conversation at any attempt to relax. So, I walked down the hall alone trying to find my bearings and get back down stairs. I found that the mansion was kind of like a fun house where the stairs winded through different rooms and some were just barely stairs at all, others looked like they were upside down.. and there were SO MANY! In my pregnant state, I was just happy that we would only be staying a couple of days. I finally found my way downstairs to the main dining hall and ran into an old friend from beauty school who was waiting tables. She greeted me and informed me I was training with her to get an idea of what went on in the busy mornings. She stood and talked for a while about how she was going to switch to third shift because some of the regulars smoked a LOT of weed at night and she thought they would be so funny to watch at night. We stood there giggling, both of us with ready to pop baby bumps and waited for a table. I noticed that I was carrying my baby blanket and my cell phone and still wearing my PJs so, I told Cat I was just going to run upstairs and change. as I was going up I noticed a little boy about 3 years old running and winding up the strange staircases and heard a mans voice a good distance behind me calling to him. so I went faster trying to catch the child. Finally, on what seemed like the 8th floor, I caught him and the man thanked me. we walked side by side through the rooms until the man stopped in one and took his clothes off. He was an attractive man, and well endowed, but, being a married woman, I blushed and tried to walk away as quickly as possible. He shouted for me to stay because he wanted to talk to me. I told him to put some clothes on and I’d be back through. I dropped off my phone and started to change.

Cut to: back through the strange man’s room.

I realized I’m not wearing any clothes and am covering up with my blanky. his child is having a temper tantrum on the floor and the attractive man is wearing some serious Christian Grey attire. The baggy sweats hanging off his hips and no shirt with some glistening sculpted abs. He was really tall and tanned, thick greying hair and the lightest blue eyes I have ever seen. he was pretty dreamy.. [married married married!!]  Without thinking I lay on the floor and console his screaming child until he’s calm and fast asleep. (seriously, it’s a gift) and the man proceeds to rub my belly and ask if I have any other children. He tells me about his son hurting one of their family pets and asks me what to do about it. I don’t like to be touched. Especially not by a man that isn’t my husband and I’m getting very uncomfortable. so I tell him it’s common with children with excessive adhd to harbor some animal aggression I try to leave, but the man just keeps grabbing at me and touching me in intimate places.. I can’t fight him off because he’s too strong. I shouted “I’m MARRIED” about 500 times before he exclaimed this bed and breakfast is a free love commune and my husband is probably off fucking some other woman. I break down in tears and some young Asian woman walks through the room just in time to rescue me.

I’m directionally challenged and am totally lost so she shows me a “secret staircase” that she used when she had surgery on her hip, she’s lived here in this commune for 10 years, since she was 6. I make it down to the main floor again and realize for the 3rd time I’m not wearing clothes. my hoohah, boobs, and pregnant belly is o display for everyone and I run back to the secret staircase and back up towards my room, still managing to get lost yet again. Now, a geeky looking kid comes to help me and quickly shows me to an elevator. I find my room and he runs in ahead of me and takes off HIS clothes. I yell at him and tell him I’m married and I am only visiting, I do not take part in “free love.” he’s hopping on the bed trying to get me to look at his stuff and saying some nasty things to me. I just keep getting dressed and run out of the room. to the elevator. Finally clothed, and safe in numbers (I hope) I run outside to find me some grass smoking hippies, hoping someone will be chill enough to let me hang around them until my husband returns. Out walks paul rudd (my celebrity crush.. omg omg omg omg) and hands me a cigarette.

“looks like you need this”

“you have NO Idea, but I’m pregnant.”

“ah hell one won’t hurt you.. or the baby.. but stress might.”

so, I take the cigarette and start puffing away, then HE makes a move on me. I inform him, yet again, I am married, and I’m flattered because he was actually respectful about it and also very attractive. He smiles and laughs and says he wasn’t up for the free love either, but his wife was and left him. He said, if your husband decides he is and things don’t work out *hands me his room number* come see me, and I’ll take ya out on a date.

then my phone went off and I was awake.

WHAT THE FUCK!?!??! can anyone explain this one?? what a dream.

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