Deep Dark Secrets….

schizophrenia_by_green51q-d3c0f7aI’m completely aware that by posting this blog I am opening myself up to a whole new world of judgmental assholes (as if being a fat woman in my 20’s, without a job, the mouth of a sailor and the style of a drunken hippie bum isn’t enough). Oh well, I don’t care anymore I need to get it out there. Bottom line is, I’m crazy.

Before I get started I just want to apologize for not blogging for a while, I have been dealing with some stress from this condition and I believe maybe getting it out will help since of course I have no money for a therapist or insurance. I’m sorry that it feels like most of my posts are depressing or angry, but they are me: depressed and angry. Hopefully, I will have good exciting things to share after I go on a trip with David for our anniversary. Until then…

I’m not exactly sure what’s going on with me anymore. Of course I have shown some signs for a long time but recently they have gotten worse and I don’t know what to do about it. If I get ANY comments for me to go to a doctor I swear to goddess I will go nuts. Unless you can pay for it keep your damn mouth shut.

Okay so here it is.

No one knows the real Marisa, not even my husband, if they knew they would surely turn away and run. I’m not the nice person that makes you laugh that most days seems perfectly calm and grounded. It’s all an act. I’m mean, I’m manipulative, I’m selfish, and I hate my brain. Yes, that’s right, “I hate my brain,” It’s something My husband hears me say often, though he doesn’t know the full extent as to why. I see things, I hear voices, I cry a lot (when I’m alone), I lie and I’m good at it. I’m terrified my ex boyfriend is going to find me and kill me, though I have been “assured” a million times he’s found a new punching bag. I hate to be around people. I’m afraid to sleep, I have night terrors so bad, sometimes I have to be told constantly that they weren’t real and even then I have a hard time trusting that because I remember it so vividly. I collect secrets, as I said, I’m manipulative and people trust me, they often times will “unload” all of their woes and troubles on to me and I store that information. When someone upsets me I use it, I can bring down the toughest men I know just with my words I access your biggest fears, your most hurtful memories and those things you have done that you generally forgot you even told me about. I’m hateful and shameless when it comes to these confrontations but I generally feel bad for what I have said only after it is too late to apologize. Even then, I’m not sure if I am actually sorry or if I just know that it’s not normal to behave so rudely. I believe I have seizures now because I overdosed on welbutrin a long time ago and also because of the stress and anxiety I go through on a daily basis just trying to complete everyday tasks. Some people hive out, some people have break downs and scream and go crazy, I just shut down. I can’t carry a conversation with people when I’m in a crowded setting, every thing you say to me sounds like the adults in the charlie brown cartoons. I usually just smile and pretend I’m not crazy, I try to focus on you and resort to autopilot where I basically answer you and walk away. People would argue that to be crazy means that you believe you aren’t crazy, maybe I’m smarter or maybe I am just not as crazy as those people, but I know, I KNOW I’m not right. I have full conversations out loud with myself at home, only when I’m alone. I go through all the things I want to say to people often times I almost forget that they aren’t actually there. When I’m around others they think I’m being stuck up because I don’t talk much, but usually I’m sitting there in my own little world having a conversation with them all in my head. Speaking of conversations, I hear people saying my name a lot. I’ll hear it and turn and nobody is there, I am always asking David what he said to which he replies “I didn’t say anything, honey.”

I am afraid of an 11 year old boy in my neighborhood. Not “oh he gives me the creeps” no, I am AFRAID of him. I don’t want him near me and I don’t want him to talk to me. He’s crazy too. It’s like looking at a mini me when he talks, almost everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie. Some would say he just has a big imagination, I say he’s dangerous. I have dreams about him stabbing his family and coming here to stab and kill me as well. Always with the stabbing….

While we are talking about irrational fears here, I want you to know I KNOW they sound stupid, but you don’t know where my brain goes when they are brought up.

I’m afraid of:

>Aliens yes, I believe in aliens.. you can’t possibly think we are the only ones in the universe. I’m afraid of being abducted, I’m afraid they watch us.

>Demonsyup, demons, I’m not even a christian, I’m pagan, I shouldn’t actually believe in demons at all but please understand I mean EVIL. Things that have no compassion, and want to control or kill you to me would mean a demon.

>The 11 year old boy
he always comes around my house and he kills things.. He also has no compassion and I believe he has no remorse for killing ANYTHING.

>My ex boyfriendHe is out of prison, I left him while he was in there and he told me if he couldn’t have me no one would. He literally wrote my name on a bullet and showed it to me. He would kill me. And he wouldn’t be sorry.

>DeathI am afraid I will unintentionally kill someone or something, no, I don’t mean in a violent outrage, I mean completely by accident, feed someone peanuts who is allergic, roll over on my cat, something. I constantly check to make sure Shelby is breathing while she is sleeping because I’m afraid she’s dead.

Alright, enough with irrational fears… On to the hallucinations:

I see things every single day it seems like, before, I only saw bugs or spiders and only when I was stressed. I’d see a swarm of flies or a bunch of spiders on my ceiling and try to kill them. Now, it’s everyday. I’ll see a person standing in the other room, a shadow, an animal usually normal things, unless it’s dark and I’m outside, that’s when the really fucked up shit happens. once I saw a group of people hunched over shaped like an ape with arms much longer than they should be, they looked like mutants and were absolutely disgusting. I knew they weren’t real because I think about things when I see them, I was with David, he would have seen them and would have said something, that’s not a normal thing to see so I ignored it. Now, I’m sure you can see where the fears come into play when I see people (think it’s my ex) or shadows (maybe an alien or a demon coming to get me). See, I know it sounds crazy.. it is crazy but I can’t help it.

I don’t want it to get worse. I filed for disability just so maybe I can get healthcare and fix this… I don’t feel disabled, but at the same time, I can’t work because I can’t be around all of those people, I don’t want to have seizures, and I don’t want my pets to die.

I hate my brain.

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One thought on “Deep Dark Secrets….

  1. I can totally relate…especially to the agoraphobia!!!! Love you and keep your head up!!!! It WILL get better with time!!! (I hated when people told me that!!!!) The waiting sucks!!!!!:/

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