Anymore I just feel like I’m more of a burden to those around me than anything else. I’m not a wife, a friend, a daughter, a granddaughter, a sister or an aunt anymore. I’m just this useless blob. Being married to me is like being a single parent with a 3 year old that you leave home alone all day while you are at work. You have to worry what I’m getting into, what I’m doing, what I’m afraid of, tuck me in to bed to make sure I actually go to bed, make sure I take a bath and don’t fall asleep in the tub, reassure me constantly that there are no “monsters” in my room and that nobody wants to hurt me, and feed me, take care of me, and love me even though I don’t go to work or contribute anything to the household what-so-ever. Lately I’m not even good company, I don’t have smart ass remarks, I’m not in a comical mood, I don’t really want to hang out with anyone. As a matter of fact I only hang out with one person now and even then I feel like I just annoy her. 😦 I just feel like it’s not worth it. David doesn’t deserve a broken wife. That’s what I am, broken. I see things that apparently aren’t really there, I’m petrified to go to bed because the man I constantly see lurking around the house is there, staring at me just waiting to burst into my dreams and torture me some more.
sometimes I wonder what life would be like for David if I wasn’t here anymore to hold him back. What if he could go a full day at work without worrying about me having a seizure and cracking my head open or curling up in a paralyzed ball scared to death of things he can’t see? What if he didn’t have to worry about feeding both of us, or paying the electric bill that’s too high because I can’t turn off the lights? Would he be happy? he wouldn’t have as much stress that’s for sure and he’s such an amazing man, he’d find someone else, someone normal, who would love him, and make his breakfast, maybe they wouldn’t like pets so much and he wouldn’t have to worry about them either. They could go to work like regular people do and make money, He could be a dad and not worry that his kid would be fucked up or epileptic. Maybe his new wife would be an atheist too, and not be some weird pagan witch who believes everything has energy or a soul, or does spells and rituals that make no sense to him.
My family, what would they think? sure they would be sad for a while, but they wouldn’t have to “help” me every time I get sick and can’t pay a doctors bill, my mom would have one less child to worry about, one less child to send her own hard earned money too or buy gifts for on Christmas. My family in Texas could go on without me just fine, hell most of them didn’t know I existed until I popped up when I was 16. There’s one burden relieved no awkward conversations, nothing to bring back memories of my fathers mistake. They would all be much happier knowing I wasn’t here I’m sure. My real friends would miss me for a while too, then they would realize how nice it is to not have to listen to me bitch and mope around. They wouldn’t have to worry about me, or bum me cigarettes on a bad day or have a crazy friend that they are secretly judging. They could worry about their own problems instead of trying to help me solve mine.
life would be so much better, easier without me here fucking it all up for every one, and I think about that a lot sometimes. Especially on nights/mornings like this one. While I’m sitting here bawling and chain smoking for one little ounce of relief constantly checking over my shoulder and keeping one eye on the hallway making sure there are no demons waiting there. I play around with different ideas, how could I end it? Take the entire bottle of my seizure medication and just slip away in one crazy seizure? Take the sleeping pills in the cabinet and just fall asleep? take a few sleeping pills and let myself fall asleep in the bath tub and drown? I could cut my wrists and bleed out but that’s messy I don’t want to be a burden after I’m dead. I could walk down to the train tracks and wait for a train. Walk in front of a semi on the road, drink drain cleaner, hang myself…etc. So many different ways to end my suffering, stop the fear and voices for good.
But I watched David lose his best friend to suicide. I watched how bad it hurt him and I can’t put him through that. I watched my grandma lose her youngest son in a freak accident and my cousin lose her father, my mom lose her brother and to this day we all cry I know they wouldn’t see it as a relief it would only cause them pain.
I hate it when people say suicide is selfish. No one thinks of it that way, they see themselves as a burden to you and they want to make it easier for you they don’t want to hurt you, they honestly believe your life would be better without them in it.
luckily right now, I still hold on to that bit of reality and know what it’s like to lose someone to suicide so here I sit crying, wishing, hoping, praying the voices, the things I see, and the fear will subside if only for a few hours so I can sleep off these feelings.