When we are young we often times have a special place where we go to let all our frustrations go and cry in peace. No one barging in to ask what’s wrong, no one near by to over hear, a place that soothes us that gives us a type of security. Like most things from my childhood, I haven’t abandoned this habit. I still sleep with my baby blankets, I still enjoy rocking myself to sleep in a chair, I rub the edge of the bed with my foot when I can’t fall asleep, and I retreat to the bathtub when a hard crying spell hits. It makes for a perfect crying place. A door that locks, loud running water, warmth, and my comfort, water. I sit in the corner of the tub and bawl my head off while the water fills it up. I’m not bothering anyone, no one can hear me here and the warm water is like a gentle hug comforting me in my time of need.
This month has me damn near my all time low. I’m depressed, I’m angry, I’m scared, and most of all the man I love doesn’t understand a damn thing about it. He’s insensitive to things like this, he doesn’t think about how his words are going to hurt before he says them, and what’s worse is I look to him for guidance, for some shred of hope that things will get better, and he’s too fucking absorbed in the science of everything to give me that. I CAN’T BE THE OPTIMIST ALL THE TIME!!!!
So, what’s got me down today… a few things. first I tried to ride my bike again.. I haven’t been able to ride a bike in about 10 years I can’t balance… Well, long story short it didn’t end well. I fell off my bike and was so heartbroken. I guess I just thought I could jump right on it and go like I used to do. For crying out loud, I learned how to balance on a freaking bike like everyone else in 1st grade! I was riding my little “mountain bike” up and down the neighborhood with the neighbor kids, up and down campgrounds, on trails out with my family.. I LOVED it. They say riding a bike is something you don’t forget, you just get back on it and go, no thinking necessary. I guess I’m an exception to this because like I said, it hasn’t worked out that way. I texted David and said I fell off again, maybe it’s the way the bike turns.. maybe I’m just a failure… I told him he could take the bike back if he wanted to and get his hard earned money back. spend it on something that might get some use before I completely destroy this bike. instead of encouraging me to keep trying or even offering to help me some how he got MAD! Saying he “knew” I couldn’t or wouldn’t ride the bike ever that he “knew” it was a giant waste of money when he bought it. I was devastated and beyond pissed off. What makes it worse is I wasn’t even mad at him I just automatically believed every word and AGREED with him. I think so little of myself at this point that the person I was pissed at was ME.
After he got home he remained in his pissy attitude, granted he worked a long 12 hour day, yet again, a few grumpy moods are warranted but it lasted all night. Just when I thought he would come around and be somewhat decent something else would set him off. We attempted to -ahem- “make up” silly me, thought it would put him in a better mood. Well due to my depressed state, something he did or said just sent me into a whirlwind of flashbacks. I was quickly out of the mood and ended up getting hurt. When it was over I went directly to my crying place. turned on the water and just let it all go. I cried until tears wouldn’t come out anymore. I cried because I’m a failure, because I can’t do something so simple as riding a bike, because my husband isn’t/doesn’t want to support me, because he works all the time and I don’t, because I can’t make him feel better, and because his face, his words, and the pain he caused at etched into my memory so deep that certain things a husband and wife should be able to do, I can’t even enjoy.. not even the slightest bit. He came in the bathroom and asked me if he had hurt me. I nodded and told him to get out. He had no idea how bad and I can’t bring myself to tell him that he -the man I love, that I married, that I want to have children with- reminded me of someone so vial and disgusting he shouldn’t be able to even be called a human being. That would break his heart. So, I’ll just keep blogging and seeking comfort in my crying place. alone.
I know right now it seems like all I do on here is bitch and moan and cry, but you don’t have to read it. This blog isn’t for you, It’s for me.