17 hours.


So, I’m alone probably 75% of the day. That’s a lot of alone time, a lot of me time, a lot of thinking time. To a depressed schizophrenic chick, that’s not cool. I can’t just sit here and be cool with it. I don’t even want to get up and clean because I’m so damn tired. I don’t even know why I’m tired, it’s not like I do anything.  Today has been particularly rough because the husband went to work, as usual, at 3:30 this morning. I have been upset about the doctor appointment yesterday and still reeling from it. All I can do it sit here and think about it. About being crazy, what happens if I don’t get help? Then what? Do I just live the rest of my life like this until I can’t do it anymore? Anyway, My husband calls and says he’s going to a friends after work… 17 hours I have been here alone with nobody to talk to. My friends either live back home up north or are at work. The neighbor boy is playing outside constantly going through my yard on his bike and sending Shelby into a growling and barking frenzy every time. There are other kids out there playing with him and they are screaming and running around too. It’s weird I love kids, usually, but right now all I want to do is scream at them to get the FUCK of my yard and to stop fucking screaming. Is that really so much to ask? Seriously parents, didn’t your parents say if you weren’t hurt or in danger to not scream? Mine did I got my ass busted a few times when I was little and I stopped screaming. They can still run around and play just fine WITHOUT screaming bloody murder! What about teaching them not to go into neighbors yards? I’m nice…. for the most part. I would never hurt your kids or anything but there are some real creeps out there. I mean I bet you don’t know that I’m schizo sitting in this house alone all day. If you did I’m sure you would tell your kids not to even look at my house, let alone go in the yard. I’m not even bad! What about the child molester I found on watchdog that lives right on the other side of our neighborhood. Do you know about him? Teach your kids to be respectful and stay out of others yards dammit!

Anyway enough of that rant. So, today has been full of some fun psychotic episodes. I convinced myself the entire wall was breaking and was going to collapse on me today.  I heard it crack and I probably spent a good hour or so expecting the worse. Turns out I’m pretty sure it was just thunder. I locked and re-locked the doors at least 50 times in the last 4 hours because that’s when that spawn of Hades gets off the bus. Yeah, go ahead laugh about it, you don’t know this kid. He has been in my house while I was sleeping and that was before my psychotic meltdown so, just so you know, I found his little fireworks on my kitchen counter one morning and my front door was LOCKED. He came in through the sliding door, which means he had to have gone over my fence (because it’s locked of course) and through the back yard, into the kitchen and do goddess only knows what and then finally leave the same way leaving his fireworks in the process. He was in here. I. hate. that. kid. so. much. I am terrified of him. On a some-what lighter note I have been hearing someone call me a bitch every 30 or so minutes. Sometimes I here “idiot” or “cunt” but now they have resorted to bitch. No doubt I’m just hearing things.. you usually can’t hear much of anything inside our house from outside.

Look at that 17 hours just turned to 18 hours alone. How many times can you cry until your tears dry up for good? I just wonder sometimes.

little random update on Marley: she’s gained about 2 1/2 lbs back.. only half a pound more and she will be back to her original weight from a year ago. 2 1/2 more pounds and she will actually be where she is supposed to be. So, she’s on the  mend but not there yet.

told you it was a “random” update.

Well, Maybe I’ll try to sleep. couple more hours and I get to hang out with Emo.. hopefullly.


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