Friends are the only family you get to choose and are often the ones we take for granted the most. They saying is true, ya know? You find out who your friends are when you need them the most. I am probably the worst when it comes to saying “I have no friends.” Of course that isn’t true. Maybe it’s just because I used to think I had so many friends, with all the people calling me and wanting a ride or needing help or even wanting to borrow some money. It wasn’t until recently that I realized those people aren’t friends unless they need something and that’s when I began cutting ties with everyone. I have been somewhat of a recluse lately, severely depressed, at times even suicidal, in fact, it has been so bad that I have drawn the curtains and secluded myself even from the few true friends that I have. For that I sincerely apologize. It’s a painful and hard lesson to learn, however, I am finding that right now especially, My list of true friends is dwindling.
Why would anyone be friends with me? I’m always sad, I’m kind of depressing, I bitch about everything, I say shit at the wrong time, I have trouble holding a conversation with someone, I don’t drive, very seldom even have access to a car, I can’t work, so, I don’t have money to go out and do things or to lend you, I can’t help you with much at all to be honest. I have had so many people stop talking to me, stop wanting to hang out and I am slowly realizing that those are their reasons. It doesn’t matter that I have loaned you over $100, that I have driven you around and taken you grocery shopping, that I have watched your children, and have literally dropped everything just to help you in your time of need. No, none of that matters because now I’m worthless to you. I’m truly struggling each and everyday here. I don’t sleep much, I cry, and I sit here by myself, all day long. Many of you live very close by yet can’t stop in to say hello, can’t call to check in on me, can’t take 2 minutes of your “busy” day to send me a text to let me know I’m not alone in this, that people care, and most of all that people would notice if I wasn’t here anymore. You know what I have to say to all of you? FUCK YOU!
With that being said, I would like to truly thank those of you who have been here for me, who have helped me and who actually take the time to keep in touch or reply to my texts. First of all, I have to thank my husband, without him I wouldn’t be here, he’s the bread winner, the love of my life, the occasional fight I need to let off steam, my protector, my cuddle monster, and my best friend.
Emo, I would have lost my mind long before now if I didn’t have you to vent to or to get out of the house (even if it’s still technically one house and maybe 12 feet away). You are without a doubt my “bestie” here in Lafayette.
Kimmy, Lizzybeth, Surra Burr, I know you guys don’t read this blog very often, but You 3 have been my best friends since well, forever. You may live far away, but we always find a way to keep in touch and I hope that we will always have that.
To my friends that I mainly talk to on facebook (Sarah, Dakota, Jalene) , You are not forgotten here. You make being home alone all day a lot less lonely and If I didn’t have you to talk to I don’t know what I’d do.
Of course my beauty school chicks, Lindsay, Beth, Chris, You guys are great and can always make me smile.
So there you have it, It’s not a long list and the list of people that I actually hang out with is even smaller. I guess I would rather have learned this lesson and found that I do have a few true friends than gone on thinking the fake ones were genuine.
So, Again, thank you to those of you who are actually ever there for me. I truly love and appreciate you all.