I Wonder as I Ramble.

I wonder what it would be like to not feel this way anymore. Maybe I just want to not feel anything anymore. No mania, no depression, no aches and pains, no love, just nothing, only numb. That’s what depression medicine always did to me. I almost miss those days.

I wonder If I love you more than you love me, or sometimes I wonder if I don’t love you enough. Perhaps it is falling apart, maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. Maybe it was and this is just another one of “God’s” tests. [You can give up, God. I don’t care much for your tests.]

I wonder if I am not doing enough to make you happy, If you would be happier on your own. At what point do I stop trying-or do I ever- to make you happy. You used to come home from work and be happy to see me, you said I made it all better. Now when you get home you barely look at me, I’m just here for decoration, your maid, your cook whatever I am to you.

I wonder if I’m imagining all of this and over analyzing, yet I wonder if you feel that way. Am I so terrible? So ugly, fat, disgusting? Why am I not enough for you? will I ever know what Is enough? Will I ever be enough?

I wonder if I am a good wife who is under appreciated or a dead beat who has been lied to for five years.

I wonder if you would notice if I was gone or am I just that insignificant? Do I really mean so little to you?

I wonder how after five years together you still don’t know anything about me. You don’t know that I like salad but hate lettuce on my sandwich, that my favorite color is teal, that I don’t like large crowds, that I am terrified of escalators. How is it even possible when I know so much about you, every little quirk like and dislike, I notice.

I wonder if you will ever care, or if I’m holding on to something that just isn’t there anymore. I wonder what I would do if you ever told me the truth.

 

I

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