Please Don’t Love Me.

I fall in love and I fall harder than anyone I have ever met.

I push those people away from me almost as quickly as I fall for them.

Please don’t love me. It will only cause you stress, worry and eventually grief. I am dying, quite literally. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but long before you which is something a love should never have to endure. Loving me means taking care of me (or at least trying to while I furiously yell “I CAN DO IT MYSELF” at you and you look at me with a completely helpless expression), it means watching me have seizures in my sleep and when it’s not the seizures, it’s the night terrors. It’s being there through my bad days, the days when I cannot get out of bed-whether it’s because I am in pain or because I am too depressed to give a damn. It means being there for my good days when I have energy and am happy but you will still have that gut wrenching feeling in the pit of your stomach because you know that this isn’t going to last as long as we would both like it to. It means I will be a burden on you. I will lash out at you like a wounded animal, I will need but refuse your help and I will cry sometimes. I will hurt you and hold you back from everything you could accomplish.

I want you to love me, but I can’t let you love me because if I do, in the end it would have all been for nothing. I will go and you will be here alone. It’s because I love you, that I don’t want to put you through this.

It takes a very strong person to be able to truly love and faithfully spend the rest of my life with me “in sickness and in health” and all that jazz. It’s a person that I do not believe exists. It’s not your fault and I’m sure you are absolutely perfect, but there is someone, somewhere that will be able to have a long and happy life with you, and you deserve that.

So before you love me, stop and think about what that actually means.It’s easy to say love is blind, and that you don’t care about all of that, or that you are the exception. But 5 years down the road when you have dealt with more than your fair share of my bad days, you will look for someone else, someone less complicated. You may keep it from me and stay out of guilt, but eventually it is bound to happen, and I can’t blame you for that.

I’m easy to love, but hard to love forever.

And maybe you could, maybe you could look past all of my flaws and hard times and maybe you could truly love me. Maybe you are the exception and maybe I will get better, I can’t really say for sure. I used to have hope, but it has been proven time and time again that hope is a very dangerous thing.


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