A Troubled Past: Adolescence and Fatal Attractions. PT3

DomesticViolence

To Start from the begining please click the link below to go back to the “A Troubled Past” page.

https://lateniteramblings.wordpress.com/category/a-troubled-past/

For a while he was perfect. The best boyfriend anyone could want. He came to visit me and took me on dates, he took me out with his family and showered me with expensive gifts. He was kind and protective. He made me feel safe and I gave him my virginity on my 16th birthday. After that he became even more “protective” keeping me away from my guy friends and then later even my girl friends. I guess I should have seen the signs that something like this could happen but I must have ignored them. Chad had his moments when he would get angry with his parents and I could hear him transition to an entirely different person on the phone. I remember thinking this is probably just a normal teenage guy thing but I was secretly happy that I wasn’t any were near him. I should have seen that for what it was, fear, but of course I remained starry eyed and head over heels for him. Until he came to my job and put in his application there. They hired him immediately, he was clean cut and charming, it wouldn’t be hard for him to get a job anywhere. That’s where it all started and Now I lay on this hard basement floor wrapped in a towel clutching my stomach while blood pools between my legs. I can see it now. I can see how stupid I was all along. Let’s start from the beginning shall we?

Chad came into work at Pineapple Point he claimed he couldn’t get enough of me and had to see me more often. At first I was a little freaked out about the idea because I’m a flirty person. It’s harmless and I wouldn’t cheat on him, but being as self conscious as I always have been, it was always refreshing when someone else made me feel pretty. I did my best not to show any of my flirty tendencies around Chad. Not because I thought he would care much, because as I said, it was harmless, but I have always felt like flirting in front of your partner is disrespectful. We’re human we are going to look at people we feel attracted to, but when you are with your significant other you should make them feel like they are the only person on the entire planet. That’s a memo Chad apparently never got.  A girl I worked with thought that Chad was hot, no news there I was used to that, But she was constantly touching him and flirting with him in front of me. I felt the urge to knock her out and scream that he was mine, but of course I didn’t do that. We often exchanged some harsh words and the day Chad broke up with me I knew it was her doing. I was devastated a serious crying mess and had to call off work that day. I couldn’t figure out what I had done wrong and why he would pick HER! She wasn’t even pretty! She was chubby, had a deep voice and 2 kids! She was our age what was he thinking? throughout the day my sadness transformed to anger. I didn’t call him, I didn’t accept his calls and instead I called Ryan. He and a few other friends had invited me to a party that night and I knew he didn’t have a car so I called to offer him a ride. When he asked me if Chad was joining us he was surprised to hear that we had broken up. Surprised, but pleased all the same. I could hear his million dollar smile from my end of the phone and I thought to myself “Todd had said he was a cool guy, smoked weed, but he was nice and he told me to stay away from Chad.. he was right about him all along!” I hung up and started getting ready, I did my makeup-I don’t even know how many times- I put on the sexiest outfit I had a purple plaid pleated skirt that was way too short to wear to school, a low cut T-shirt and a fuzzy white jacket. it doesn’t sound all that sexy now, but for a 16 year old girl (when I was 16 anyway) that was probably the sluttiest outfit I owned.

I pulled up to Ryan’s where he was standing outside.

“Damn Missy! Are you trying to make Chad jealous or what? Because that should do the trick.” He winked at me and I knew right then I was going to be getting into some trouble tonight.

“Nope, Fuck Chad. He left me for a 16 year old bimbo with two kids already. His loss.”

“My gain,” Ryan said as he leaned in and kissed me. “Don’t pretend you haven’t felt the tension, we both know it’s hard to be around each other when you are taken.”

I was blushing again. Why do guys have to put you on the spot like that with their smooth talking BS they probably don’t even mean. I couldn’t help but smile though, after all Ryan was VERY attractive. He informed me that the party didn’t start until 9 and I was almost 3 hours early. He asked if he could take me out for some dinner, and we could go back to my house or back to his and wait or try to meet up with our other friends.

We went out to my favorite mexican restaurant and then back to my house.

We never made it to that party.

The next morning I took Ryan home telling my mom that we fell asleep watching movies. She was happy to see an even more attractive boy in her house that wasn’t Chad. There was just something about him she didn’t like and she told me all the time.

When I got back home I changed my bed sheets and crashed. I had been feeling sick and I was almost certain I was coming down with the full blown flu. Just as I stepped out of my shower My step dad yelled down the stairs that Chad was there and before he even finished his sentence Chad came running down the steps. I felt horrible, and disgusting and in need of a second shower. What had I just done? Maybe he didn’t have to know and we could move on from this. Maybe we could work it out. One look at Chads face and my stomach sank. I knew right then it was too late, the damage was done and he already knew. Ryan had text one of our friends at the party that night that we were coming together, when we didn’t show up they all suspected but it wasn’t until he got home and told them he fell asleep at my house that the rumors got out. Chad knew. He stood there looking at me his eyes glaring at me, I half expected lasers to cut me in half. I had never seen him this mad before. I went to touch his shoulder to calm him down and tell him I was sorry. That it was a very weak moment and I was just so MAD that he could leave me for HER. He smacked my hand away and I screamed, It startled me, he had never been violent before. I tried again this time talking slow and calm. “Chad, I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to, YOU left ME remember? For that SKANK? I was just mad and I feel terrible honest I never meant for that to happen.” This time he pushed me. He pushed me hard and caught me off guard knocking me to the floor and Screaming at me.

“You’re a fucking whore! You fucked him didn’t you!?!? You fucked my FRIEND! You’re nothing but a SKANK! A. FUCK.ING. WHORE.!” he emphasized every syllable with a sharp kick to my stomach I was aware that my mouth was bleeding from biting my lip, but I didn’t fully comprehend the extent of my injuries. My dad yelled from the top of the stares, “Chad get the fuck out of my house you aren’t talking to my daughter like that!” Yeah, he sure gets father of the year for that one, he didn’t even come down the steps. Chad bolted out the private entrance of the basement and I laid there shaking and sobbing.  I thought I was peeing my pants, and my stomach hurt so bad where he had kicked me I thought maybe he popped my bladder. I put my hand between my legs and when I brought it back to examine it I saw that it was covered in blood. I sobbed harder.

“I’m pregnant,” I said out loud. and then a frightening realization hit me, I WAS pregnant and by the looks of it, I’m not anymore, gone before I even knew. I wrapped myself tighter in the towel, clutched my stomach and cried for hours.

Coming soon PT 4….

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A Troubled Past: Adolescence and Fatal Attractions. PT2

football

It was the first home game of the season and the first game on our new football field which meant the place was PACKED! I was sure I wouldn’t see Chad, let alone talk to him at all. My friends and I walked around and chatted with a few guys we knew. It was harmless flirting really, you can’t get all gussied up and just NOT talk to anyone. It was a lot of fun despite the fact that I hated football games. They were more of a social gathering really, not many people actually paid any attention. We were just about to leave when I spotted Chad smoking a cigarette (this is before I smoked and no amount of hot was going to make me date a smoker). He looked up at me and waved me over. I gave my friends a quick shrug and ran over to see him. Hey! A girl can flirt with the hottest thing she’s ever laid eyes on, even if she has no intention of dating him or his ash-tray breath.

I greeted him with a gentle slap across his face and he stepped back trying to assess the situation. Laughing I said, “that’s from Ian! He said you’re lame ditching them to meet up with a girl out here, what’s the matter did you get stood up?”

“No, actually, she just got here,” he said followed by a seductive wink.

“Ah, well I’ll leave you to it then.” I turned and started to walk away when he grabbed my arm.

“Marisa, stop being dumb I came here to see you, Ashley said you guys were coming.”

I could feel myself blushing, my cheeks instantly felt hot and I had this stupid grin stuck on my face. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t wipe it off. I tried to look disgusted or at least disapproving.

“So you ditched your friend to try to meet up with his girlfriend, huh? What a stand up guy! As if that wasn’t enough, you smoke, and I don’t date smokers. Sorry bud.” I lightly tapped his shoulder and attempted to end the conversation by doing what I do best, walking away. His laugh stopped me in my tracks. Was he seriously laughing at me? I have come a long way from the days where people bullied me, I was finally at a healthy weight, I had average boobs, sure, I had braces but they were clear, and damn it I was pretty. I turned and lifted my one eyebrow at him as if to say, “I don’t see what’s funny, keep laughing and see how hard I’ll smack you then!” He stopped laughing immediately, took the pack of cigarettes from the pocket of his jacket, threw them in the trash, and pulled me into him.

“For you, Missy, I can quit smoking and before you talk about Ian, hear me out; He asked me if he should break up with you earlier today. He said you guys weren’t clicking as more than friends and I told him to do it. I knew you wouldn’t stay single long and I knew I had to make my move before someone else did. So, here we are at the football game with you turning up your nose and playing hard to get, play all you want, babe, but I know you like me.”

I just stood there looking up at him in shock. His breath was surprisingly minty he must have popped in a piece of gum when I had my back turned. Finally I smiled, but tried to wiggle away. I came here hoping to see him but it was too easy. Now I started to feel guilty about hitting a rebound so hard right after Ian, but really though, who was I kidding? Ian and I were never anything more than friends that occasionally kissed and even that felt awkward and forced, not that he was bad at it, just that he wasn’t really my type. Chad, well, he was my type and I wanted nothing more than to hop on him like a po-go stick right now. How did he do that? He had a way of talking that just fascinated me and made me not only want to listen but need to listen as well.

“Under one condition,” I had to force the words out as my voice was shaky. Todd’s warning bells still ringing in my head I closed my eyes. Maybe if I didn’t look into those beautiful green soul sucking irises I could form a correct sentence, “You tell Ian and you stop smoking.” He threw his head back and let out the sexiest laugh I had ever heard.

“That’s two,” he said, “but I think I can live with that.”

“Well it’s settled then.”

He pulled me closer and kissed me long and hard. I remember thinking he must have had a lot of practice at this because no one had ever kissed me like that before.

—————————————————————————-

Monday after the football game, Chad walked me to every class. The first week was fantastic. We learned a lot about each other, well kind of, our favorite colors (mine was pink), bands, subject, how many siblings we had, etc. and I can’t lie I certainly had fun showing him off to my friends (and every other girl who glanced his way). He said he was having surgery that weekend on his arm but he would be back to school in time to walk me to my 2nd period class on Monday.

It was a long morning without getting to see my eye candy and all I could think about were those gorgeous eyes looking down at me while those lips spoke words made out of pure silk. He was just so gorgeous and so mouth-watering I couldn’t help but daydream about him. I sat there in my own little world for the full first hour, doodling and tuning out the sound of my algebra teacher entirely. That bell couldn’t ring fast enough and when I walked out of the classroom, there stood Chad looking sexy in those ripped jeans and hollister T-shirt sporting a bright pink cast on his arm.

part 3 coming soon!

A Troubled Past: Adolescence and Fatal Attractions. PT1

calvin

*names have been changed

At 15 years old I had been through more than a lot of people ever deal with in their lives. I was looking for a boyfriend, one that would protect me and help me overcome the fear of all men. It was at this point I met Chad*. I thought he was exactly what I needed. He was fairly tall, and drop dead gorgeous. His walk alone demonstrated his dominance. He had thick dark hair that was cut in a way that allowed him to spike up the very front, He had a beautiful sparkling white smile and his his bright green eyes were set back a ways under his brow, giving him a look of something so dangerously beautiful. He dressed kind of preppy as I would have put it. He wore expensive polo shirts and the stylish ripped/faded blue jeans that fit his sculpted butt perfectly. I knew he was trouble the moment I laid eyes on him but I couldn’t help myself. I was dating another boy in school at the time, one of chads friends who was almost his complete opposite. Ian* was just a little taller than me, very slim, and wore his black hair quite shaggy in the popular “emo” hair cut. He usually dressed in black, but he wasn’t “goth” or “emo” he just liked the color. He had small blueish grey eyes and they were absolutely stunning. Ian was my friend before we dated and had introduced me to some of his music, he was kind and respectful, and he rarely had a bad thing to say about anyone and no one ever had a bad thing to say about him. Had I met him back in the 8th grade we would probably have looked like a perfect pair, but this was highschool and I had put some of the weight back on. I wore skirts and pink shirts, heels, the works. I was the ultimate sell out as far as my style had gone, but I remained friends with my somewhat awkward social group.

I really liked Ian, he was laid back and just a genuine guy. He played video games, listened to music of all kinds and walked me to every class if he could make it in time. Part of me wanted it to work out, the other part thought of him as just a friend and I caught myself checking out other guys most of the time. I remember the day I officially met Chad, I had thought about how it would go since freshman year always admiring him from afar and never having the guts to say hello. Ian and I were eating lunch at the top of the stairs when Chad and their other friend, Ryan* came up. I damn near choked on my sandwich when I saw them. Ryan was god-like. He was a hippie-looking guy, long blonde hair that I couldn’t help but be jealous of, perfect teeth and big brown eyes. Let’s be clear here, I have never been into guys with long hair, or hippies for that matter or blondes, but this creature was exquisite and built to be a calvin klein model. I shivered just looking up at the two of them, then adverted my eyes to my boyfriend, Ian. How were these gods and Ian such good friends? Ian wasn’t bad looking by any means, but he was no calvin klein model.

“missy? hellllooooo”

I barely heard the words come out of Ian’s mouth over my own pulse beating in my ears.

“this is Chad, and this is Ryan, I don’t think you have met them yet. They are coming over tonight to play C.O.D. but I will still try to call you okay?”

“no problem, have fun with your…..friends” I dared to smile up at them and choked as I said the last word. Ian smiled and said something along the lines of “isn’t she the best girlfriend ever?” he hugged me and gave me a peck on the cheek before heading off to his next class chatting wildly with the two most gorgeous guys I had ever laid eyes on. Chad looked back and winked at me while I heard Ryan say “and she’s fine too! I’d tap that.” well if Ryan wasn’t so gorgeous he probably would have lost my interest entirely with that statement.

“hey good lookin”

I turned to see one of my best friends Todd* come up behind me. I told him about my encounter with the gods in the flesh and he laughed at me as I recalled the pair right down to how they smelled.

“That’s cool, I’m thinkin you and Ian should probably just break it off as friends before you ruin your friendship. Ryan’s a cool guy, smokes a lot of bud though but he’s pretty chill. Chad on the other hand.. watch out for him, he’s a douche.”

I should have listened to Todd, but of course, I didn’t, I just couldn’t resist.

Later that evening Ian called to check in and tell me he was having a good time playing video games and I told him my neighbor and I were going to the home football game.

“Slap Chad for me will ya? he bailed to hang out with some chick at the game tonight” I laughed, I was a little nervous and excited to see Chad again, a little disappointed he was going to meet up with a girl, and a little guilty for feeling that way when I had such a sweet boyfriend. Ian told me to check my email before I left and to call him if I wanted to. I didn’t think anything of it, I ran the straightener through my hair a couple more times and put on a little extra lip gloss then sat at the computer to check my email.

dear marisa,

I am so very sorry to do this this way, but I don’t know what I would do if I’m wrong and you were upset. I think we both like each other a lot, but maybe not

like a boyfriend/girlfriend thing. I think we should break up and just be friends. I do want to thank you though, for showing me how a girl should actually treat

her boyfriend and for being so amazing these last few weeks. There is nothing wrong with you or anything, I think your hot and all, but I think we just had more

going for us as friends. I hope you aren’t mad and that we are okay. call me if you want to.

-Ian

I laughed out loud and felt like a huge weight had just been lifted. He felt the same way! That’s just great! Most girls would be heartbroken to have such a nice guy break up with them, but Ian was right we were better as friends, he was cute and I was attracted to him, but not in a way that screamed hey he’s going to father your children. I took a moment to email him back, I knew how annoyed he got when his game was interrupted. I simply thanked him for doing it via email rather than making our phone conversation more awkward than it needed to be. I told him I was not upset with him at all and that he was right, we were better off as friends. Smiling, I put on my hoodie checked my make up again and ran out the door to head to the football game. With my guilty feelings gone, I was fired up and ready to take on Chad.

To be continued in ” A Troubled Past: Adolescence and Fatal Attractions. PT2″…………………………….

If you have missed out on the story you can see the most recent previous post in the link below.

Mermaid Cove [Dream]

It’s very rare for me to have a good dream and when I do, It’s even more rare that I remember the dream and can write about it. You, my friends, are in for a real treat with this one. It was so beautiful, so lovely, that it changed my whole outlook of the day. I was pretty heartbroken to wake up in this body though, actually, “heartbroken” doesn’t even begin to cover it. I will cherish this dream forever and hope and pray to have more exactly like it! If you haven’t picked up a theme to my dreams, I ALMOST always “wake up” into the dream as if my “waking” state is actually a dream and my dreams are my reality, with a dream as beautiful as this one I hope with all my heart that this is the case.

Like most of the photos on my page, this was found with a simple google image search, but It's so beautiful I felt that I needed to credit the actual site google retrieved it from. http://www.apolloworldgalleries.com

Like most of the photos on my page, this was found with a simple google image search, but It’s so beautiful I felt that I needed to credit the actual site google retrieved it from.
http://www.apolloworldgalleries.com

I awaken as I swim peacefully through the clearest blue water. I instantly feel calm, water centers me, it’s my panacea. No matter what is going wrong in my life or the world, a swim will surely put me at ease. I glide effortlessly, brushing against seaweed and the occasional fish.  I say “excuse me” and move out of the way for a large humpback whale and he surprises me with an “excuse me, mam” as he also moves to the side to avoid hitting me with his large body. He didn’t say the words out-loud. As a matter of fact I thought I heard him singing the familiar song I have always heard on documentaries of such things, his voice however was very clear in my head almost like I translated his language subconsciously like it was completely natural.  This puzzled me for a moment and that’s when I straightened myself up and looked down at my body. I felt the same but what I saw was completely different. I was shirtless! I instantly covered myself. My body was slender and fit with my hair falling all around me in long brown waves. Looking down just a little further I casually lifted my feet in front of me, but me feet weren’t there.  Instead a glittering fin of green and blue sparkled as I twisted around trying to get a better look. I was beautiful, and not only that I was what I had always wanted to be; A MERMAID! I must have glided back and forth for hours just admiring my new tail and enjoying the thought of living here forever. Then I heard a familiar voice call my name I turned to find Elisabeth, my childhood best friend, racing toward me, tackling me with a hug. We laughed for a moment and she grabbed my hand and guided me up. She was breathtaking. Her fin shimmered brilliant hues of pink and red with intricate silver swirls her very long blonde hair freely flowing behind her. “where are we going?”

“Up to the cove! We have to meet Lindsay and Sarah there! We are going to free the free the dolphins today.”

“Wait, what do you mean free them?” I was so confused, I had just seen a humpback whale, I was certain dolphins should be swimming around somewhere.

The humans” she said it like the words tasted terrible, “They have been holding a nursery pod in the cove with nets and gates letting other humans take rides on them and swim with them!” She shook her head, “It’s disgusting!”

I didn’t say anything, I couldn’t I didn’t know what to say! Hadn’t I thought just a few hours ago that I too was a….human? We picked up the pace and bolted through the open water like torpedoes. when we reached the surface we found Kim treading water just behind a ridge of the cove and she waved us over. I noted that she was still a human which didn’t surprise me much because where I loved the water, dolphins, whales, and fish, she equally loved cats and well, eating fish. The thought sent shivers down my spine. It had always made me uneasy, even as a human, but now that I appeared to in fact be part fish and had met quite a few very nice ones along my way, I couldn’t even imagine her eating them. It occurred to me that she was our ally working with us against the humans to help free these innocent dolphins. This role is also one that fit her quite well, Kim had always been a person that you could count on, she didn’t care what was “normal” instead she did what she wanted, befriended people who her “normal” friends and parents wouldn’t approve of it was a trait I always admired about her. As we reached her she held up a finger to signal we needed to be quiet. In a barely audible whisper she said, “okay here’s the plan, as soon as the rest of your school..er.. pod.. er.. clan? Hell what ever it is, get’s here we have to move quickly to get these gates open and you will have to get the dolphins out of that shed.” She pointed to a large barn-like building sitting in the water. I imagined it was full of tiny jail-like cells where they stored the dolphins when they were not in “use.”

“I don’t think they understand me,” she added, “but I told them you were coming, they might have got a little of what I said, though, because when I said “mermaid” they all stared at me.”

“They are intelligent. More so than humans.. uh no offense.”

Kim smiled at me, “none taken,” she said. “Now where is the rest of your group thingy..?” I just stared at her blankly, I had no idea where the rest of my pod was, Hell, I didn’t even know I had one, let alone that we had such an important operation to handle. I was just happy with being a mermaid.

“Sarah is getting Lindsay, we met up this morning and I told her it was happening today.” Elisabeth’s answer seemed clipped. I guess she wasn’t thrilled with the idea of trusting a human to help with such an important issue, but she was willing to try for the sake of the dolphins.

“Well they better hurry up! The security guards will be making their rounds any…” Her response was cut short as Sarah emerged, spitting water in her face.

“Sorry, reflex.. humans give me the creeps,” Sarah said as nicely as she could muster. she hated humans, more than Elisabeth and she made no effort to hide it even as I remembered her being one herself. Just then Lindsay surfaced giggling, she must have seen the whole thing from just below us. Lindsay, like Kim, made friends easily no matter what the species she genuinely loved almost everyone and it showed.

Kim removed her glasses and violently tried to flick the water spots from them. “Alright then, we better get started, Elisabeth, you know the plan, I had better get out of this water before they realize I’m missing.” Elisabeth nodded and Kim pulled herself up on to a cliff and hurried back to the dolphin inclosure. Elisabeth signaled for us to go under so we could talk without fear of anyone hearing us.

Under the water I couldn’t help but admire everyone’s beauty. Mermaids had always been so fascinating to me and here I was among them, I fell a little star struck until I remembered I was one too. Lindsay had long brown hair just a little darker than my own her fin was similar to mine only the colors faded into each other instead of the intricate pattern mine had. Hers was blue at the waist fading into a teal aqua marine towards the tip of her fin, unlike Elisabeth’s, there was no particular design, no sparkly swirls, it had more of a Tye-dyed effect and it suited her perfectly.  Sarah’s fin, to no surprise, was a bright, bold pink. each of her scales had a white shimmer just tipping the edges. It was very elegant looking and very beautiful her hair was short, in a wedged bob and very blonde with edgy pink tips. Her eyes were bigger than I remember, a brilliant green and blue.

Elisabeth gave the instructions and we split up, Sarah and I heading to the shed and Lindsay and Elisabeth to the gates of the enclosure.

Once in the dolphin shed all of their cries ceased. Under the water Sarah let out a strange call, but like my encounter with the whale, I could hear the translation in my head.

“We are here to help you we need you to all remain quiet, quickly find your young take a deep breath and swim down low to avoid being seen, make your way to the perimeter gates we are opening them for you.”

we made our way along the stalls of the shed opening each gate as fast as we could. The dolphins did as they were told and left one by one quickly and quietly, completely undetected. Sarah and I made our way to follow when I spotted a young dolphin currently giving a ride to a small child. Without thinking I raced to them, staying deep as not to be seen. I knew no one would believe a child who said they saw a mermaid so I made my way up to them. I made sure to stay where the dolphin could cover me and whipped my tail out of the water. The child gasped  and smiled. I poked my head out just enough so she could see me and whispered to her, “this dolphin is my friend, and is being hurt here.” I pointed to a small cut above her eye. “She needs to come home, will that be alright?” The little girl nodded and let go of the dolphin’s dorsal fin. “let’s go,” I said and the dolphin nudged the little girl’s cheek as if to say thank you, then zoomed out of the open gate as I followed.

True Friends

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Friends are the only family you get to choose and are often the ones we take for granted the most. They saying is true, ya know? You find out who your friends are when you need them the most. I am probably the worst when it comes to saying “I have no friends.” Of course that isn’t true. Maybe it’s just because I used to think I had so many friends, with all the people calling me and wanting a ride or needing help or even wanting to borrow some money. It wasn’t until recently that I realized those people aren’t friends unless they need something and that’s when I began cutting ties with everyone. I have been somewhat of a recluse lately, severely depressed, at times even suicidal, in fact, it has been so bad that I have drawn the curtains and secluded myself even from the few true friends that I have. For that I sincerely apologize.  It’s a painful and hard lesson to learn, however, I am finding that right now especially, My list of true friends is dwindling.

Why would anyone be friends with me? I’m always sad, I’m kind of depressing, I bitch about everything, I say shit at the wrong time, I have trouble holding a conversation with someone, I don’t drive, very seldom even have access to a car, I can’t work, so, I don’t have money to go out and do things or to lend you, I can’t help you with much at all to be honest. I have had so many people stop talking to me, stop wanting to hang out and I am slowly realizing that those are their reasons. It doesn’t matter that I have loaned you over $100, that I have driven you around and taken you grocery shopping, that I have watched your children, and have literally dropped everything just to help you in your time of need. No, none of that matters because now I’m worthless to you. I’m truly struggling each and everyday here. I don’t sleep much, I cry, and I sit here by myself, all day long. Many of you live very close by yet can’t stop in to say hello, can’t call to check in on me, can’t take 2 minutes of your “busy” day to send me a text to let me know I’m not alone in this, that people care, and most of all that people would notice if I wasn’t here anymore.  You know what I have to say to all of you? FUCK YOU!

With that being said, I would like to truly thank those of you who have been here for me, who have helped me and who actually take the time to keep in touch or reply to my texts. First of all, I have to thank my husband, without him I wouldn’t be here, he’s the bread winner, the love of my life, the occasional fight I need to let off steam, my protector, my cuddle monster, and my best friend.

Emo, I would have lost my mind long before now if I didn’t have you to vent to or to get out of the house (even if it’s still technically one house and maybe 12 feet away). You are without a doubt my “bestie” here in Lafayette.

Kimmy, Lizzybeth, Surra Burr, I know you guys don’t read this blog very often, but You 3 have been my best friends since well, forever. You may live far away, but we always find a way to keep in touch and I hope that we will always have that.

To my friends that I mainly talk to on facebook (Sarah, Dakota, Jalene) , You are not forgotten here. You make being home alone all day a lot less lonely and If I didn’t have you to talk to I don’t know what I’d do.

Of course my beauty school chicks, Lindsay, Beth, Chris, You guys are great and can always make me smile.

 

So there you have it, It’s not a long list and the list of people that I actually hang out with is even smaller. I guess I would rather have learned this lesson and found that I do have a few true friends than gone on thinking the fake ones were genuine.

So, Again, thank you to those of you who are actually ever there for me. I truly love and appreciate you all.

 

A Troubled Past: The Early Years, Starving for Perfection

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I learned to hate myself at a young age, I was told I was too fat, too ugly, too stupid to ever amount to anything. I was told to keep my mouth shut or I’d get in trouble. I became reserved and quiet except for around my few friends. I say “few friends” and I mean it. I had three friends never more at any given time. Kids in school are mean. I was bullied and made fun of. I joke now that the only time anyone wanted to talk to me or sit by me in class was during a test. It’s not inaccurate, I was pretty good in school. I always scored well above average on standardized tests, but that doesn’t make friends, and god forbid we had gym class that day. I was a chubby child, no doubt about it. Nothing that a little change in diet wouldn’t help. My mom wrote notes for me to get out of gym class almost every week. Blaming my cough, a sprained ankle, or anything else she could write down just because I was bullied so bad. It’s no surprise that I would cry every time I came home from a gym day at school.

As I mentioned before, My step dad, Mike, was constantly badgering me about my weight at home as well. That was worse than being at school. Here he’s a grown man telling me I shouldn’t eat dinner anymore. In 8th grade I stopped eating lunch at school. I didn’t want the kids to see me eat. I distanced myself from what friends I had and began dressing in mostly black. I moved from my big, dolphin filled bedroom to a bedroom in the basement and that’s where the crazy started.  I gradually stopped eating certain things at home, pretending to be on various diets, my favorite one to pretend was the Atkins Diet. I would get a plate of food and hide out in my room  I dumped my food out my bed room window, knowing that something else would eat it due to the close proximity of the woods behind our house. Sometimes I would flush the food down the toilet. It I only had meat on my plate I would feed some to the cat. Everyone commented on how great I looked and I decided, “if this looks great what if I lose another 20 lbs or so..” I started working out.  We are talking barley eating, 600 crunches at the very least, and running for hours on the treadmill every single day.  In the summer between 8th grade and 9th grade I had lost a whopping 75lbs. I now weighed anywhere from 95 to 98 lbs. At 5’6,” 98 pounds is not enough. At Freshman orientation friends I had in middle school didn’t even know who I was.  They told me I looked great, guys wanted to talk to me, people wanted to be my friends I was feeling awesome. I wore extra clothes because 1, I was always cold, and 2, If they saw exactly how thin I had gotten over break they might think I was weird. I even got the O.K. to wear sweats in P.E. everything was working out great! Until one girl named Alisha noticed I didn’t eat at lunch. She took me aside in the hall and demanded to know why I didn’t eat lunch. I proceeded to tell her I had a lot of food allergies and didn’t like a lot of things. She wasn’t buying it since my high school had dozens of options to choose from. I just shrugged her off and said “well on top of that I just got my braces tightened yesterday and my teeth hurt.” That one she seemed okay with. It was a fail-proof excuse that I had used on my mom a million times. I did have to eventually start eating again but I began to take to bulimia each time I “over did it” and with that little adaptation to my diet I did start to gain some back.I don’t know what upsets me the most, That I felt compelled to restrict my intake of food so much or that I “recovered” to the point of the polar opposite.

I weighed about 115 pounds at the start of Sophomore year when I met Chad. Next Installment coming soon in A Troubled Past: Adolescence and Fatal Attractions.

[EXPLICIT] A Troubled Past: The Early Years, Stolen Innocence

Please don't read this entry if you are easily upset, disturbed, or prone to violent  flash backs

Please don’t read this entry if you are easily upset, disturbed, or prone to violent flash backs

I was talking with an old teacher and friend of almost 20 years this morning and realized I have a lot of pent up anger and hatred that stems from my past. I decided the time is now to spill some of it. I will do a couple different installments. Like most of my writing it will be very detailed and quite graphic, so, again I urge you to exit out of these posts if you are easily upset, disturbed, or prone to flashbacks. This installment of my “Troubled past” entries will cover various abuse from my childhood including physical, emotional and molestation. Only continue reading if you think you can handle it. [note: names have been changed]

When someone asks if I had a bad childhood I instinctively say no, of course not. I try to remember the good times, the things we often do remember from our childhood. The innocent way we thought and played, the color blindness to others’ differences, and the unconditional love we felt from our mothers when we were sick or sitting on our grandpas lap. The memories I like to look back on the most are of the only time I remember my mom helping me build a snowman, My grandpa tickling me until I couldn’t breath, “helping” my grandma cook and bake and clean, watching fun movies with my grandparents (the only place in the world you got to have dinner, dessert TWICE and still got to have popcorn and cherry coke during the movie). I remember waking up in the middle of the night and tip toeing in to my grandparents room faking “leg aches,” My grandpa would groan and roll out of bed, take my little hand and walk me down the stairs to the kitchen. He would say “okay Missy, lets fix you up!” He’d hand me two baby aspirins that tasted like cherries and mix a tall glass of nestle chocolate milk just for me. Most nights he would mix one for himself as well. We would stand there in the kitchen, my green blankie in my left hand, my chocolate milk in my right, and I would giggle at the funny sounds he made every time I said I wasn’t sleepy or wanted more chocolate milk. Kind of like a Homer Simpson “doooh” purely for my amusement and to see me smile. We would retreat back up the stairs hand in hand, me dragging my blankie along behind me to my room. He would tuck me in…again, and tell me he loved me and we would go fishin’ in the morning like we always did.  My best memories are shared with my grandpa who isn’t even “blood” he’s my mom’s step dad, but that didn’t make him any less of a grandpa to me. I was his “birthday present” born right after his birthday dinner on December 21st, 1989. He was my hero back then and he always will be. Stronger than super man, and always there to fight off the monsters under the bed, always there to protect me, his birthday present.

There were a few things not even he could protect me from, although I know he wishes he could have. He probably would have if he had known.

Sounds great doesn’t it? A happy child, the apple of her grandfathers eye, loved by everyone, spoiled rotten and the youngest by 15 years. Like I said those are the only things you want to remember and luckily for me I only remember those things up until I was about 3 or 4 years old.

You have probably read a little of this story before so bare with me:

My grandparents lived in a big house on the lake, a house they took great pride in. My grandfather worked hard to build that house from a small cottage to a two story home with a huge deck and a balcony. I practically lived there, like I said I was just totally in love with my grandpa. I looked up to him so much and my mom worked a lot (being a single mother) so, my grandparents took care of me a lot. We were all there one day getting ready for a family get together. I was in the garage where the adults were busily putting up long tables and setting up a place to play cards. I remember sitting in one of my little lawn chairs playing house by myself with my favorite doll that I had named “Cutie.” I was getting her dressed into something more suitable for a “fancy” dinner, changing her from pjs to a big frilly blue dress with white lace on it. I remember the band aid I put over her “privates” my grandma had asked me about earlier that day. I told her that Cutie didn’t have any panties or diapers and she needed to keep her privates covered so the wouldn’t get hurt. My grandma chalked that up to ‘kid’s say the darnedest things’ and had a good chuckle over that. I remember putting cutie down in her little ‘crib/stroller’ (a plastic shopping cart I used make believe to turn into her portable bed) and running to my mom clutching myself. I told her I had to potty really really bad and needed her help with my skirt. It was a cute little outfit, a little red plaid skirt with a matching vest but it had sew on buttons instead of snaps and that was too hard for me to get undone. My mom was used to my demands for help to go potty because I was going through ‘a stage’ where I didn’t like to go alone. At that time my aunt, uncle and their son, Eric, showed up. Eric was probably 12 or so and was a strange kid. He got in trouble a lot, and was ‘misunderstood.’ He came running up to me and said he would take me. I told mom I only wanted her to take me but she shooed me away, she was busy and knew I was fully capable of going alone. I reluctantly went with Eric to the bathroom and he helped me undo the button on my skirt I told him to turn around because boys weren’t supposed to see girls’ privates. He wouldn’t turn around he just kept looking at me. I started to cry. He put his hand over my mouth and said “be quiet and go potty, Marisa. I’m a grown up, it’s okay.” I sniffled a little and nodded but it was too late. he scared me and I had peed myself and my favorite outfit. He took them off of me and smelled them. I thought it was weird, but I was so young I didn’t really understand. then he told me we were going to play a game. I didn’t want to play and I told him no. He said “I’m your cousin, don’t you love me? When you love someone you play this game with them.” Again I nodded. For good measure I guess he added that he would tell on me if I didn’t play. I didn’t quite grasp that it was wrong, and being told on was a big deal, so I said okay. He touched me and told me I was supposed to do it too. Just then the door opened, My grandma had realized I had been gone for a while and came to check on me. She hadn’t seen him touch me but saw him kneeling in front of me holding my wet clothes in his hand. He told her I had an accident and she pulled him up from the floor and told him “Little boys and little girls should not be in the bathroom together” and threw him out of the door. I think as a grandparent of both of us, she may have knew but didn’t want to believe that’s what had happened. Maybe she just didn’t want to start any trouble in front of the whole family if it wasn’t true, who knows. She didn’t ask and I didn’t tell because Eric said I would get in trouble if I did.

That was the first of many encounters with Eric, unfortunately my grandma wasn’t always there to step in. After Eric’s mom, Aunt Lacey had her baby, Julie, I stayed the night there quite a bit. I loved Julie. She had the brightest blue eyes and beautiful blonde hair. She was such a happy baby, and my uncle, Phil, was so much fun to play with. Eric was older so he wasn’t home as often, but when he was home, the abuse continued. I often wondered if he played with Julie the way he played with me, and even though I didn’t know exactly how wrong it was, I hoped he didn’t. It started with the touching and escalated to much more than that. At one point Eric would watch pornography and wake me up to make me watch it with him. He would tell me I had to do the things the lady on TV did to him, if I told anyone I would get in trouble for lying because no one would believe a stupid kid like me. I obliged. Eventually I stopped going to Uncle Phil’s house. I didn’t want to be around Eric and I knew his game was bad, but I remained silent for fear of getting in trouble.

Just around that time My mom met Mike. After countless “where is my daddy?” and “why do other kids have daddies and I don’t?” questions, my mom told me that Mike was going to be my new daddy and that my old daddy was a jerk. Eventually she changed the story to my daddy died a long time ago. She later told me this wasn’t true and gave me a picture of my four sisters. One of my sisters was a baby in the picture and mom explained she was the same age as me. My dad had been married to another woman for many years and they had separated for a while which is when he met my mom. They didn’t date long, but they were both heavy drinkers and well, I guess you know what happened. My dad left when mom was pregnant and patched things up with his wife. He tried to visit once I guess, and when my mom told him no, he sent a friend to get a picture of me. He still had that picture 16 years later when I met him for the first time.

Mike seemed like the perfect dad, He took me out for ice cream and rides in the fire truck. he bought me toys and clothes and all kinds of things but he was a troubled man. He didn’t really know how to be a dad to a little girl. I feel kind of bad for his “real” daughter though, I don’t think he was around much. I started calling Mike Daddy they day they got married, this seemed to make him happy, for a little while at least. Then he started getting very impatient. He didn’t like it when I cried, he didn’t like that I snuggled with mom, he didn’t like that I played too loud, he didn’t like that I asked why, he basically just didn’t like kids. He kicked my older sister, Vanessa out of the house because he didn’t like her going out with friends and I was afraid he would kick me out too. I was only 8 or so.  Not long after that we moved into a new house. Right next door to one of my friends from school. I had a pretty room, painted blue with hand painted dolphins on the closet doors. Mike really did try sometimes he decked out my room in every dolphin figurine imaginable he knocked down the wall to the second bedroom to give me more room for all my stuff and truth be told, I was without a doubt one spoiled child. However, like I said, Mike had a dark side. He constantly told me I was fat, that I was worthless, that no one would ever want me. My most prized possession at one point was a box of Mary Kate and Ashley stuff I had gotten for joining their fan club and he threw it away in front of me because I wanted to bring it along to my grandparents to show my little cousin Chloe. He said I was a brat and I wanted to brag to her about it. When in all honesty I wanted to share it with her because they sent me one set for me and one for a friend. I cried my heart out It sounds stupid now, but my grandma had signed me up for that fan club and I promised Chloe we would share. When they asked about it he told them I had ruined it because I didn’t clean my room and had gotten the pictures wrinkled and dirty. I remember specifically coming out of the house one day to play, Mike was working on the roof and he yelled down at me, “hey go in and put on some clothes that actually fit you fat ass, you look like shit.” I was 10 years old at the most.

At age 13 I developed an eating disorder that would spin my already chaotic world completely out of control.

More to come in A Troubled Past: The Early Years, Starving for Perfection