17 hours.

So, I’m alone probably 75% of the day. That’s a lot of alone time, a lot of me time, a lot of thinking time. To a depressed schizophrenic chick, that’s not cool. I can’t just sit here and be cool with it. I don’t even want to get up and clean because I’m so damn tired. I don’t even know why I’m tired, it’s not like I do anything.  Today has been particularly rough because the husband went to work, as usual, at 3:30 this morning. I have been upset about the doctor appointment yesterday and still reeling from it. All I can do it sit here and think about it. About being crazy, what happens if I don’t get help? Then what? Do I just live the rest of my life like this until I can’t do it anymore? Anyway, My husband calls and says he’s going to a friends after work… 17 hours I have been here alone with nobody to talk to. My friends either live back home up north or are at work. The neighbor boy is playing outside constantly going through my yard on his bike and sending Shelby into a growling and barking frenzy every time. There are other kids out there playing with him and they are screaming and running around too. It’s weird I love kids, usually, but right now all I want to do is scream at them to get the FUCK of my yard and to stop fucking screaming. Is that really so much to ask? Seriously parents, didn’t your parents say if you weren’t hurt or in danger to not scream? Mine did I got my ass busted a few times when I was little and I stopped screaming. They can still run around and play just fine WITHOUT screaming bloody murder! What about teaching them not to go into neighbors yards? I’m nice…. for the most part. I would never hurt your kids or anything but there are some real creeps out there. I mean I bet you don’t know that I’m schizo sitting in this house alone all day. If you did I’m sure you would tell your kids not to even look at my house, let alone go in the yard. I’m not even bad! What about the child molester I found on watchdog that lives right on the other side of our neighborhood. Do you know about him? Teach your kids to be respectful and stay out of others yards dammit!

Anyway enough of that rant. So, today has been full of some fun psychotic episodes. I convinced myself the entire wall was breaking and was going to collapse on me today.  I heard it crack and I probably spent a good hour or so expecting the worse. Turns out I’m pretty sure it was just thunder. I locked and re-locked the doors at least 50 times in the last 4 hours because that’s when that spawn of Hades gets off the bus. Yeah, go ahead laugh about it, you don’t know this kid. He has been in my house while I was sleeping and that was before my psychotic meltdown so, just so you know, I found his little fireworks on my kitchen counter one morning and my front door was LOCKED. He came in through the sliding door, which means he had to have gone over my fence (because it’s locked of course) and through the back yard, into the kitchen and do goddess only knows what and then finally leave the same way leaving his fireworks in the process. He was in here. I. hate. that. kid. so. much. I am terrified of him. On a some-what lighter note I have been hearing someone call me a bitch every 30 or so minutes. Sometimes I here “idiot” or “cunt” but now they have resorted to bitch. No doubt I’m just hearing things.. you usually can’t hear much of anything inside our house from outside.

Look at that 17 hours just turned to 18 hours alone. How many times can you cry until your tears dry up for good? I just wonder sometimes.

little random update on Marley: she’s gained about 2 1/2 lbs back.. only half a pound more and she will be back to her original weight from a year ago. 2 1/2 more pounds and she will actually be where she is supposed to be. So, she’s on the  mend but not there yet.

told you it was a “random” update.

Well, Maybe I’ll try to sleep. couple more hours and I get to hang out with Emo.. hopefullly.

Mothman Prophecies [The Dream]

David and I lived in an enormous house, a mansion really.  Our friends, Sarah, Nathan, Emily, and Greg, were all over for a dinner party. We were drinking and having a good time when I looked out one of the over-sized windows overlooking our garden. What I saw left me frozen with fear and I let out a deafening scream. Emily dropped her glass, Greg and Nathan looked up from their card game and Sarah came running to my side. She knows I don’t scream, even when I’m terrified, I’m more of the pretend I’m not freaking out “what the fuck is that” kind of person. I shake, I cry, I cuss, I don’t scream. She looked out and judging by the look on her face, she saw it too, just as it turned away. Desperately searching for a logical explanation to what she was seeing, she tried to comfort me. “Was it a bear?” she asked, her eyes fixed intently on the spot where the creature disappeared before our eyes. She knew just as well as I did that it wasn’t a bear, that it wasn’t anything natural at all. I could tell, sweat began to fall in small beads from her hair line, she looked at me and back out the window while we stood there in shock. Nathan, laughing, came up behind us and looked out the window, “well what ever it was, it’s gone guys, chill out.” Emily, cleaning up the glass that had shattered on the floor, nodded in agreement while David and Greg began laughing along with Nathan.

“You don’t understand, it was huge!” Sarah said, seeing that all this laughing was clearly upsetting me.

“honey, It’s fine. Did you take your medicine before we came?” Nathan’s tone was one of concern not mockery but him calling out Sarah’s need for anxiety medication quickly transformed her face from the flushed rosy cheeks from a night of drinking to a Scarlett red in anger, she glared at him in silence. No one was judging her of course, Emily and I both have issues with groups of people and more than likely we had both taken our medication as well. Never the less, no one likes to have their insecurities addressed, especially in a group setting.

David sensing the tension in the room, came to my side. He looked out the window and quickly exclaimed that the “bear” was in my garden because I had not been taking care of it and hadn’t harvested any of my berries that were growing there. He went to the closet and pulled out a shot gun. He gave me a kiss and said he would be right back he was going to go make sure it was out of the yard. Assuring Sarah that he wouldn’t kill the bear and was only going to fire a couple warning shots to scare it off he stepped outside, leaving the door open.

the 5 of us gathered at the window and watched as he walked into the garden, he let off three warning shots, turned to face us and shrugged, as if to say “see what did I tell you, it’s gone.” something outside let out an otherworldly wail and fell from the tree beside the garden. It landed on it’s feet, the thing stood about 8 feet tall, it was black and had wings, similar to that of the “mothman” sightings.  It’s eyes glowed a bright evil-looking red and it stared at us for a moment. I screamed for David to get inside, Sarah screamed for Nathan to get the other gun and attempt to shoot it from the window, and Emily buried her face in Greg’s chest and sobbed. I didn’t realize it yet but I was crying too. Nathan ran from the room to get the other gun and David tried to run to the house. It was too fast, The creature grabbed David and snapped his neck in one quick motion. I fell to the ground, my heart feeling as if it was being ripped from my chest. I was trembling and sobbing louder than ever. Sarah fell with me holding me and trying to comfort me through her own sobs. Nathan reappeared with gun in hand, but it was too late. Greg ran to close the door leaving Emily, Sarah and I in a pile on the floor, a crying, jumbled mess. Nathan followed him and we heard the first gunshot. It was inside and had Greg by his shirt. Nathan Fired again, again missing the creature by inches, one swift movement and it had killed Greg in the same horrid way it killed David. Nathan fueled by adrenaline yelled for us to get somewhere safe.  Sarah sprang into action grabbing Emily and I and dragging us to our feet. I remember thinking this is so unlike Sarah, I have seen this girl completely out of sorts over a damn spider and here she is saving my life. we ran cringing with every shot fired.

“he’s still shooting, he’s still shooting, he’s still alive, He’s going to kill it, he’s going to save us.” Sarah kept repeating it, trying to make herself believe it as much as she was trying to convince us.

Then the shooting stopped. Sarah had us locked in my master bathroom behind a heavy duty door, meant specifically for keeping out intruders. It was her turn to cry and lose it. We could hear the thing scratching and scurrying around but felt pretty confident in the safety of my bathroom. The three of us hugged and cried. Emily took out her cell phone and called for help. After what felt like an eternity there was a knock on the bathroom door. I slowly opened it just a crack, and saw a police officer just as the thing took him down I tried to shut the door but wasn’t fast enough and he pulled me out by my hair. I screamed and tried to warn the others to shut the door again and not come out. The pain was so intense and I felt blood dripping down my face from the patches of hair being pulled out of my head and then I woke up.

I was so traumatized by this dream I was sweating. I looked over at David sleeping soundly and got up for a drink of water. while rinsing out my glass I glanced out our kitchen window and saw two red eyes glaring back at me.

I Screamed and this time actually woke up out of my dream.

I have had this same dream two days in a row now. and each time is just as terrifying as the last. It makes me more thankful for the countless hours that I can’t sleep at night.

 

Never-ending Bull Shit

Here I am again tonight or I guess it’s morning now 6:30 am to be exact. Just as I try to fall asleep on the couch, my bedroom door slams shut. No one is home but me, the dog, and the cat. I sit up to look down the hallway, nothing’s there… of course not. as a matter of fact my bedroom door even appears to be open. I turn into the couch my face buried in it’s cushions.

“it’s not real, I’m fucking schizophrenic, there’s no such thing as demons. There’s nothing here but me.” I repeat it over and over and begin to feel a little comfort in the words.

Then I feel a hand on my bare back, my shirt being inched upwards slowly. I stir and pull it back down and cover myself with one of the 5 damn blankets that surround me. Why do I have so many fucking blankets? Just as I settle in, again, repeating the same phrase out loud to myself I begin to get very very hot, as if someone is laying on me. I can hear my fan buzzing away and I know it’s pointed directly at me, it’s not on a rotation so there should be some kind of air flow. I still. Waiting, waiting.. I should be feeling something. What happened to my cool breeze? He’s standing in front of my fan and that bothers me. I’m more annoyed and angered at this point than scared. I HATE to be hot. HATE IT.

“YOU DON’T SCARE ME FUCKER GO AWAY.” I manage to make it sound like a yelling-whisper quiet enough to not startle Shelby but loud enough and with enough force to get my point across. He moves and I think hey, I did it, he’s finally taking the hint and leaving me alone. For a brief moment I feel like I’m in control, for one very brief moment I think I might actually get more than a couple hours of sleep today. Nope, of course it’s not that easy. There’s a tapping on my foot which turns to a more forceful hitting, someone trying to get my attention. It’s the woman. GREAT! What does she want? The same thing she always wants, to warn me. he’s still here. I didn’t scare him away. I’m no more intimidating to him than a bunny rabbit. Then I feel it, a big crushing hand grip tightly around my throat. I feel like I can’t breath and desperately reach for my neck. Frantically checking and re checking to be sure it’s not a blanket or my necklace causing me to freak out but there’s nothing there. Just the pressure of his grip and that’s all. I gasp for air as he releases me. I know he’s getting high off my temporary fear of not being able to breath. What has brought this on? Why has he resorted to physically hurting me to make his point? I guess I’ll be keeping the lights on again… I’m so tired my eyes are starting to blacken underneath which is usually something that doesn’t happen much to me. even when I’m sick I generally maintain a pretty clear and even complexion it’s something I’ve always been thankful for. I guess I’m starting to show my age. I’m no longer a 115lbs, 16 years old, or an avid runner. nope now I’m a fat ass that can barely sleep let alone exercise.

how wonderful just in the time it took to write out my little encounter, he’s been mimicking David’s voice and calling to me to come in the bedroom. David isn’t home. Cars gone. I made his breakfast, packed his lunch, and sent him to work. I just want to be normal. Why can’t I be a normal fucking person? Sleep a normal sleep schedule, wake up at a normal time, clean like a normal person, and be able to sit in a dark bedroom and sleep instead of resorting to this broken fucking “fold-out couch” for any kind of relief from this madness? I’ll be sitting her chain smoking, yet again waiting to completely exhaust myself to the point where I have no choice but to sleep. Scared or not.

I guess It’s just the never-ending bull shit you deal with when you’re crazy.

More of a Burden…

Anymore I just feel like I’m more of a burden to those around me than anything else. I’m not a wife, a friend, a daughter, a granddaughter, a sister or an aunt anymore. I’m just this useless blob. Being married to me is like being a single parent with a 3 year old that you leave home alone all day while you are at work. You have to worry what I’m getting into, what I’m doing, what I’m afraid of, tuck me in to bed to make sure I actually go to bed, make sure I take a bath and don’t fall asleep in the tub, reassure me constantly that there are no “monsters” in my room and that nobody wants to hurt me, and feed me, take care of me, and love me even though I don’t go to work or contribute anything to the household what-so-ever. Lately I’m not even good company, I don’t have smart ass remarks, I’m not in a comical mood, I don’t really want to hang out with anyone. As a matter of fact I only hang out with one person now and even then I feel like I just annoy her. 😦  I just feel like it’s not worth it. David doesn’t deserve a broken wife. That’s what I am, broken. I see things that apparently aren’t really there, I’m petrified to go to bed because the man I constantly see lurking around the house is there, staring at me just waiting to burst into my dreams and torture me some more.

sometimes I wonder what life would be like for David if I wasn’t here anymore to hold him back. What if he could go a full day at work without worrying about me having a seizure and cracking my head open or curling up in a paralyzed ball scared to death of things he can’t see? What if he didn’t have to worry about feeding both of us, or paying the electric bill that’s too high because I can’t turn off the lights? Would he be happy? he wouldn’t have as much stress that’s for sure and he’s such an amazing man, he’d find someone else, someone normal, who would love him, and make his breakfast, maybe they wouldn’t like pets so much and he wouldn’t have to worry about them either. They could go to work like regular people do and make money, He could be a dad and not worry that his kid would be fucked up or epileptic. Maybe his new wife would be an atheist too, and not be some weird pagan witch who believes everything has energy or a soul, or does spells and rituals that make no sense to him.

My family, what would they think? sure they would be sad for a while, but they wouldn’t have to “help” me every time I get sick and can’t pay a doctors bill, my mom would have one less child to worry about, one less child to send her own hard earned money too or buy gifts for on Christmas. My family in Texas could go on without me just fine, hell most of them didn’t know I existed until I popped up when I was 16. There’s one burden relieved no awkward conversations, nothing to bring back memories of my fathers mistake. They would all be much happier knowing I wasn’t here I’m sure. My real friends would miss me for a while too, then they would realize how nice it is to not have to listen to me bitch and mope around. They wouldn’t have to worry about me, or bum me cigarettes on a bad day or have a crazy friend that they are secretly judging. They could worry about their own problems instead of trying to help me solve mine.

life would be so much better, easier without me here fucking it all up for every one, and I think about that a lot sometimes. Especially on nights/mornings like this one. While I’m sitting here bawling and chain smoking for one little ounce of relief constantly checking over my shoulder and keeping one eye on the hallway making sure there are no demons waiting there. I play around with different ideas, how could I end it? Take the entire bottle of my seizure medication and just slip away in one crazy seizure? Take the sleeping pills in the cabinet and just fall asleep? take a few sleeping pills and let myself fall asleep in the bath tub and drown? I could cut my wrists and bleed out but that’s messy I don’t want to be a burden after I’m dead. I could walk down to the train tracks and wait for a train. Walk in front of a semi on the road, drink drain cleaner, hang myself…etc. So many different ways to end my suffering, stop the fear and voices for good.

But I watched David lose his best friend to suicide. I watched how bad it hurt him and I can’t put him through that. I watched my grandma lose her youngest son in a freak accident and my cousin lose her father, my mom lose her brother and to this day we all cry I know they wouldn’t see it as a relief it would only cause them pain.

I hate it when people say suicide is selfish. No one thinks of it that way, they see themselves as a burden to you and they want to make it easier for you they don’t want to hurt you, they honestly believe your life would be better without them in it.

luckily right now, I still hold on to that bit of reality and know what it’s like to lose someone to suicide so here I sit crying, wishing, hoping, praying the voices, the things I see, and the fear will subside if only for a few hours so I can sleep off these feelings.

Are You a Meth Addict?

No, I’m not a meth addict.. as a matter of fact I’m not even addicted to caffeine… Hell, if you saw me, you would know there is no way in hell this fat bitch smokes dope.

No, these are just the joys of insomnia. It’s 5 am, I haven’t slept a wink and you know what? I feel fine…. today.. I know these bouts usually last me a good week or so and by day 3 I don’t know what’s real and what’s a dream. Hey it’s cool, I am very unmotivated during the day so my little 5 am buzz is bound to creep up on me soon and I’ll be zooming around the house like a mad woman killing every spider, cleaning every thing, dusting, finishing the laundry I have been so conveniently putting off, mop the mulberries off my kitchen floor….again, do the dishes from David’s breakfast, clean the litter box, feed the critters, maybe scrub the toilets/bath tubs again. I do need to take down the shower curtains and bleach those too! all while keeping the music to an acceptable level as to not wake up Emo next door who has probably also just gone to bed..That’s normal for her tho, she works 2nd shift.

-did you know your shower curtain is COVERED in germs. seriously, they have been linked to UTI’s, pneumonia, and abscesses in the gut…. um gross. we get new ones all the time but I still bleach them in between.. eww gives me the creeps!

Anyway so, today-correction, yesterday- was pretty chill. I went to bed around 5am, slept in til noonish, and then did absolutely nothing.

I’m not even kidding, I think I did David’s dishes, I vacuumed, and started some laundry… other than that, nada, hell I even made a pizza for dinner.. how lazy do ya get? Needless to say, David got home, and just as he doesn’t seem to notice much when I do deep clean, he didn’t seem to notice that I was extremely lazy… at least he wouldn’t have noticed if I had actually gotten dressed today-er yesterday. Anyway, we ate dinner and chillaxed, performed our “marital duties”, and he went to bed as per usual. I decided tonight was a perfect night to perform a fertility ritual and send a couple prayers up to the goddess for blessings on a healthy pregnancy and bouncing baby bleep…..Okay, I didn’t decide, my friend, J, did. She informed me that she had a pretty crazy dream about me having a baby in April which means if she’s right, bleep isn’t there yet. The goddess must have just been showing me a little peak into pregnancy to make sure I could handle it. We’ve all had pregnancy scares..That’s what they are.. pre-tests for motherhood if you will. some people pass the pre-test but fail the final exam some just fail all together and some…. SOME pass through it all like they were born to do it. So, back to me and J here, we performed the ritual together (to amp up the potency) via text message. Apparently, she cast the spell for her sister a while back and she found out she was pregnant very shortly after. I am keeping my thoughts positive but still trying not to get my hopes up too awfully high…C’mon little bleep!! mommy wants to meet you!

So, yeah we do this pretty lengthy ritual..the main one wasn’t so long, but I said a few little prayers, cleansed the area with sage, and pulled a few tarot cards before we started. At the very end of the ritual upon closing my circle I felt like a little match had been lit in my belly.. it just felt super warm..still does actually now that I think about it. any hoots! After that I headed over to Emo’s played a game of jeopardy and watched “chopped”. I freaking LOVE jeopardy. It seriously keeps your brain sharp the only problem is it’s too much fun and only on once a day and only on during the weekdays.

Came home at about 3:15, made David a ham egg and cheese bagel and now I’m here. My little boost of energy and pep is deflating yet again.. time to get me another V8 V-fusion Energy drink. and maybe a cup of coffee too! I’m not even going to try to lay down until I can’t stand up anymore. I would really like to sleep with my hubby tonight. *Sorry if you’re reading this, Emo!! I love you!! But I think David misses me 😦 and you know for a fact if I lay down with him I’ll end up awake by 12am :p) I know shelbsters is sleepy she keeps laying down in random places and looking at me like .. uhh mom? aren’t we going to bed now? dad’s gone.. I won’t jump on him and wake him up now… well, NO SHELBY! WE ARE NOT GOING TO BED!

so, where do I start? laundry? dishes? dusting? (just a little housekeeping tip, ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS, Vacuum/sweep/mop LAST!) Ah hell, I think I’m guna start the laundry, grab me another V8 and watch a show online until it REALLY kicks in then I’ll get on the rest of it! haha!

Magnificent, Marvelous, Mad Madam, Moe…

not even kidding

Well, I now have a few supplies needed to get a peaceful nights sleep. Too bad the A/C won’t budge off of 80 degrees when it’s set at 70. There will be no sleeping for me tonight apparently. Seriously, 2 ARCTIC COLD showers so far today and I’m highly considering a 3rd. So anyway, here I am chillin’ on the couch with a cold compress type dealio wrapped around my head while I continue to melt like the witch on wizard of oz. Hey at least my head is cooler than it was. I must look ridiculous.. I shall call myself Magnificent, Marvelous, Mad Madam, Moe… hee. hee sorry Mim, I took your name.. or adjectives rather…

“Come child, sit, let Mad Madam Moe read your future.” *in my best Jamaican accent.*

Here’s a visual for you: While I sit here speaking in a terrible Jamaican accent out loud to myself flailing my arms about, and impersonating “Miss Cleo,” Joe is staring at me. He has the creepiest cat stare out of any cat I have ever met by the way. ESPECIALLY when the light hits his eyes just right and they look like floating green orbs. *shivers* He likes to read my blog I think, he’ll stare at me until I get back to writing then his eyes never leave my screen.

I’m just a tad pissed about the A/C situation tonight simply because I took benadryl, melatonin, and drank water instead of pop… I should have been able to sleep just fine but NO! It’s hot and sticky and eww. eh who am I kidding I never sleep.

Anywho, as you know, there’s been a lot of death going on around me these days. My grandma, Donna, passed away from cancer, and My mom’s best friend -whom I consider an aunt, Rohnda, passed away from brain cancer the very next day. both women smoked, and both started with lung cancer.  People don’t feel bad for the smokers.. I guess it’s ’cause they feel like we do it to ourselves or whatever, but until you have been addicted and tried and failed to break said addiction, kindly shut the fuck up, it’s not easy and NOBODY wants cancer. I knew the risks when I lit up the first time, I told myself for years I wasn’t addicted to it and I could stop if I wanted to, I just liked to smoke socially. Well that’s the biggest steaming pile of shit I’ve ever heard or said. So if you’re saying it, know that your lying to yourself, you’re addicted and unless you want cancer as well, you had better make another attempt at quitting…

SO, here we go again;

Operation Quit Smoking attempt number 14: Call the QUIT NOW hotline

I did, I have a quit date set for June 3rd. I have free nicotine patches coming my way and round the clock support if I need to call anyone… Considering david bought me a pack of cigarettes yesterday, I should still have some for my last two weeks as a smoker, but I don’t because ironically, excitement seems to be a trigger for me. SO, E-cigin’ it up yet again with the hookah therapy every night this week then E-cig only next week, then the patch the following week and NO SMOKING. *sigh* If I had a dollar for every cigarette I’ve smoked after claiming NEVER AGAIN, I’d be rich. I think with all the love, help and support I have this time around though, I can do it.

If you want help quitting I strongly recommend you call:

1-800-QUIT NOW

Do it! what do you have to lose except your bad breath and risks for cancer. 😉

 

The Life (or lack of) of an Unmotivated Insomniac

Just hanging out..Being lazy and such

Crawled into bed at about 5 am, David (my hubby) was so sweet, he rolled over so I could snuggle him and he checked the time. He didn’t say a word about it which was a nice surprise. He always gets so mad that I can’t seem to sleep like a normal person anymore. “I just want to go to bed with my wife, not wake up for work and see she’s still awake,” I hear it all the time. I know he’s worried, seizures happen more often when I can’t sleep and those terrify him. He says he never imagined that he would marry someone with epilepsy, Sorry, I never imagined it would just pop up out of the blue in my 20’s….Amazingly I stumbled out of bed at 9:30 with the stale taste of cigarettes still in my mouth, god I really need to quit smoking. I gagged and vomited, maybe because of the taste, maybe because I’m getting sick, or maybe I’m pregnant in which case I really REALLY need to quit smoking. Head pounding and lightheaded I fumbled my way to the kitchen to let out the Shelbsters, “she’s such a good puppy,” I remember thinking, I wish I could let her out of her puppy jail (the kitchen blocked off by a toddler gate) more often, but the cats go ape shit and she’s still so hyper!! Her birthday is June 3rd and she will be ONE YEAR OLD! I can’t wait.. hopefully she will start calming down this year. I would Love to take her for a walk today but as most promises go, that one usually gets broken because it’s too hot, too cold or I’m too tired. I sat on the couch with my little e-cig and puffed away before pouring myself some cereal.. I am probably the fattest anorexic person you will ever meet, I don’t eat much if at all during the day then when 6 o’clock rolls around I have dinner with David. How is it even possible that I tip the scales at 220? There are a few things I think about the majority of my day:

1. I need to clean/do laundry

2. I need to exercise

3. I need to make a meal plan and lose damn near 100 lbs

4. I need to take the dog for a walk

and 5. Why am I so lazy??

I would say 3 out of 5 days during the week while David’s at work I sit on my ass, blog, facebook, google random conspiracy theories, watch Dr. Phil and wish I had a more productive life. And this is how I’m so fat. I feel like a sloth, just lazily going about my day… It’s so… Boring.  Am I this way because I can’t sleep? OR Can I not sleep because I’m this way? Well, that’s a topic up for discussion.

So far today, I have gotten up to pee about 4 times and everytime thinking I will start the laundry thats in the washer and go put away all the clothes I washed Monday.. the key word here is “THINKING” I still haven’t done it.. I swear if I got paid to procrastinate I’d be a billionaire. I did manage to “fix” the computer or at least make it run a little faster.. but it’s 3 pm so, I guess that took me about 4 hours to accomplish. I’m out of money and down to about 5 cigarettes most people would be pissed about this, but just like every time it happens, I have plans to quit and make the switch to the E-cig until I can taper off. Until I find some cash then I’ll probably be back to the gas station buying a pack.. Thanks to my mom, our other car (the junker) has a new battery so, I can use this time that I’m online all day to job hunt and try to get out of this funk. I’m terrified. I hate.. I mean HATE meeting new people… I don’t make friends well, and well, I’m quite awkward.

well, It’s 3 pm which means I have two hours minimum before David calls and says he’s heading home on his hour long commute. Then it will take another 30 mins for him to get home from the carpool drivers house today, so that gives me approximately 3 hours and 30 minutes… That means I need to light my little wax burner to make the house smell more like clean laundry and less like smoke/litter box. I’ll start the washer, clean the litter box and run the vacuum. Then put away laundry and take Shelby outside to shed her. Man, who knew wolves shed SO MUCH!?!?! No doubt, I’ll get it all done, but waiting until the very last moment is typical for me. You know what’s great? David will come home and -the sweet heart that he usually is- He’ll say something like, “DAMN BABE! You must have been busy today! The house looks great!” He has no clue, Most women would kill for a husband that thanked her for putting away laundry/doing dishes/ or straightening the living room… what can I say? Unless you had an arranged marriage or don’t communicate, there’s no reason that your husband should be anything short of your dream man. He’s out there, keep looking, I found mine. =)

After completing my chores I’ll probably doodle, or drown in my facebook news feed..Yep, My life is really this dull as of late, but I promise, it’s only temporary. So, stay tuned because I’m sure I will come up with something interesting to say eventually.